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 Haynes Manual..the truth!

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Martian
Scene Mincer
Martian

Number of posts : 601
Ride : MK2F polo Saloon
Registration date : 2009-05-16

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PostSubject: Haynes Manual..the truth!   Haynes Manual..the truth! EmptySun Sep 27 2009, 16:24

TRANSLATING THE HAYNES MOTOR MAINTENANCE MANUALS
>
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

Very Happy
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technique
VAG Wales Admin
technique

Number of posts : 2437
Ride : MK4 R32 - Breaking MK3 GTI / VR6
Registration date : 2008-02-22

Haynes Manual..the truth! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Haynes Manual..the truth!   Haynes Manual..the truth! EmptySun Sep 27 2009, 17:24

LMFAO Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

_________________
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you were at our marquee,doing all the moves too
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Cymro
VAG Wales Admin
Cymro

Number of posts : 2222
Ride : Mk2 Polo "Fern", Kia Sportage
Registration date : 2008-03-26

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PostSubject: Re: Haynes Manual..the truth!   Haynes Manual..the truth! EmptySun Sep 27 2009, 20:24

Pecking creased.

_________________
"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit"

McLOVIN - RE: Polo Show 2011 - There was a ginger alert at the gate?? Man that place is well ahead of the times, next they'll be installing gas fittings into the shower heads in the gingers showers...

Haynes Manual..the truth! BannerOEM2-crop
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Chris_Irish
Scene Mincer
Chris_Irish

Number of posts : 879
Ride : Mk3 Golf GTI/Mk2 Scirocco GT
Registration date : 2008-10-12

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PostSubject: Re: Haynes Manual..the truth!   Haynes Manual..the truth! EmptySun Sep 27 2009, 21:38

Haynes Book of lies!
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mErCuTi0
VAG Wales Admin
mErCuTi0

Number of posts : 1331
Ride : Audi A6 1.8T
Registration date : 2008-05-25

Haynes Manual..the truth! Empty
PostSubject: Re: Haynes Manual..the truth!   Haynes Manual..the truth! EmptySun Sep 27 2009, 21:46

Laughing

ROFLCOPTER

_________________
Haynes Manual..the truth! Forum_11
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Haynes Manual..the truth! 33164
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